Maybe I place my ideals too much in the "reality" of what I see in movies, TV, books, magazines, etc. Maybe I feel like my world should be coated in sugar and sprinkles and everyone loving everyone with smiles & joy. Maybe I am not the person to be asking these strange life questions, but you find yourself here reading my blog… and so I am asking them to you to think about.
My childhood was your average 80's childhood. I grew up with parents from the generation of spankers and huggers. You got a good spanking, and then you got a million hugs and kisses to say they still loved you. I also like to think those hugs and kisses were to say they were sorry for having spanked you in the first place, but not always I am guessing. One thing was for sure, when I was growing up I knew that despite the occasional spank on the butt, I was loved by both of my parents. Every night I hugged them and told them goodnight and that I loved them. They told me they loved me all of the time, they still do today and I am 39 years old. From a very young age I felt the need to always say "I love you" to the people that I loved. I got a lot of "eww… stop it!" from my little brother as we got older. But I felt it necessary to always tell those who I loved how much they meant to me as often as I could. Despite lots of fighting, and even some years here and there of not talking to my sister… we have always known that we love each other very much.
Now that I have a child of my own I tell her as often as I can that I love her. The end is never written in stone. It could be today, next year, or 50 years from now. Sure we all hope for 50 years from now, but for some the end could be sooner. So if you love a person, why hold it inside and keep it to yourself? Especially your own kids. If you had those kids, or even adopted them, they are a part of you and your entire life. To hold your love inside your own head and not express it daily with a simple "I love you" to them, that makes no sense to me at all.
I find this more in men than women, but on a rare occasion I will see a mom unable to express their love to their own child. Dad's seem to have a harder time as their children grow up. It is easier to open up to a 3 year old and say in a mushy voice, "I love you so much my sweet little bebe" But as they grow up, it becomes more of an emotional connection that you create with your child. A bond of having to dig deep inside of your soul and share a part of you that they are actually aware of and understand… the ability for a parent to fully share their emotions, it is hard for a lot of men. Some men choose to just do the whole "love tap" on the shoulder of their kids and hope that the child understands that is suppose to mean something more than a hit. Or to say, "love ya kid" once in a great while. They find less and less time to give hugs and to open up their heart to their own kids.
This breaks my heart right now as I write this, because I am seeing my own husband doing this to our daughter. He used to travel for work more than he does now. He would text her or call her as much as he could while away. He even set up a twitter account back in 2007 to talk to her while he was in Japan. He used to text things like, "I love you so much! I miss you!" and he would call to show her that he was thinking of her every night at bedtime and say goodnight and that he loved her. This past week he has been gone on a trip. Our daughter is now 15 years old and she is fully aware of love and what it means. I told him before he left to be sure to text her and make her feel loved while he was away. The first night we got into a disagreement because I had to force him to text her goodnight. All he said was "goodnight" to her when he finally did text her. There was no "I love you" or emotion of any kind. Just that simple phrase. The next day it was the same thing.
This upset me. It shouldn't, because he is his own person with his own feelings in this world. If he feels the need to start shutting down with sharing his love, that should be his choice. But I guess I want more for our daughter. I want her to feel loved by both of her parents. When you have the chance to say it to someone, then you say it. The whole week went by and he never once told her that he loved her, or even that he missed her. I asked her if it bothered her at all and she said, "I can not remember the last time he told me that he loved me." I had tears! I guess I was so worried about sharing my love with her, I never noticed that she wasn't getting any sharing of love from her father. He always seemed like that loving guy, so I assumed that he was getting the job done. I was mistaken. This was heard to take to be honest. I want so badly for him to be that lovable dad like you would see in an 80's sitcom. Not the horrible dad who used to work for the CIA or something in a disaster hate movie from the 90's or even current movies. Not that grumpy unapproachable dad… but I fear the older he gets and the older she gets, he is becoming that grumpy dad who can not show love to his own daughter.
Is it a male thing? Do fathers just find it harder to admit their feelings to their kids than the moms? Is there a point in time when a wife should say to her husband, "dude seriously, tell your kid that you love them! and mean it!" I mean, I see it in movies all of the time now where the dad can not express himself. So there must be some sort of universal truth in the way that men are in the world today. Lacking emotional connections to those who love them. Unable to express what should be an easy thing to feel for your own child… love!
I find it honest to tell my child how I feel about them. But I also wear my heart on my sleeve. I want her to never go to school, leave the house, get into a car to go off with friends, or even go to sleep at night without knowing that I love her deeply. Maybe it seems easier for me because she is a girl and I am a girl. However, I feel that if I had a son I would tell him just as often. I might not get the same response from him that I do from her, but I think I would tell him the same amount of times.
How often do you tell your kids that you love them? Is it harder the older they get or do you simply keep on doing it despite their age? Is it easier for the man or woman or neither of you to say it? I'm so curious why I see so many men shut down after their kids get to the age of like 10. Is there something to this theory of mine, or just a random fluke in the men that I know in this world?
No comments:
Post a Comment