Is it just a man thing, this obsessive hobby vs. relationship?

I sat waiting today in a Barnes and Noble parking lot. I noticed a man get out of his car and a small child get out from the other side. The man, obviously the boys father, stood wiping the car door with his hand. The boy grabbed his hand and tried to drag him away and into the store. The man at first calmly told the boy to wait, and continued to look over his car door. The boy kept at it and soon the man got annoyed and the boy got scolded for a second. The boy pouted and waited longer. The man finally stopped fawning over his car and took the boy inside.

I have been that boy, well, sort of. I dated a guy in high school for almost a year who was obsessed with his car. It took up 95% of his days off. He would invite me to watch him wash his car. Oh, yes. Joy. He would take me to car stores and explain at length about his car and what he did to this car. It was something that he was very proud of, and I could care less about honestly. I would go to the stores, watch him wash it, and listen to every story as if it meant the world to me too.

This is what we do for people when we love them and want to spend time with them. It seems to be something that a lot of women do. And I am sure the men feel the same way when they listen to us talk about shopping or doing laundry. It doesn't truly interest them at all, but they normally stop listening and walk out of the room. Or they are always too busy to really listen because there is something else catching their attention, maybe that car they adore.

I married a man who's obsession is working. Now, there is something to admire in the fact that his major hobby/obsession in life is his job. Yet, it does get in the way just as much as a guy who loves to watch football all weekend or wash his favorite car 4 times a week. The stories are just as boring and the time that it takes up is just as much as any other hobby.

The difference for me is that he spends 10 hours a day in the office. Then comes home and works for another 2 hours a lot of nights. Weekends there are more work related things. And so on. I guess if it were a different hobby it wouldn't seem so obsessive in nature. Splitting your passions. Making the most out of your life. You know… that saying, "Don't spend your life making a living, and forget to make a life." Yeah, that sort of rings true when I think about my husband and his obsession with all things work. If there was a second shift at his job, he would work them both… plus the weekend!

This got me thinking... how many relationships suffer because of one or both of the people involved obsess about something other than the relationship? Is it healthy to have a passion and spend all of your free time doing that and then let the relationship suffer? Or is the hobby killing our relationships? Have we become an obsessed world; losing touch with the things that truly matter in life?

Loving your own kids… task or pleasure?

Maybe I place my ideals too much in the "reality" of what I see in movies, TV, books, magazines, etc. Maybe I feel like my world should be coated in sugar and sprinkles and everyone loving everyone with smiles & joy. Maybe I am not the person to be asking these strange life questions, but you find yourself here reading my blog… and so I am asking them to you to think about.

My childhood was your average 80's childhood. I grew up with parents from the generation of spankers and huggers. You got a good spanking, and then you got a million hugs and kisses to say they still loved you. I also like to think those hugs and kisses were to say they were sorry for having spanked you in the first place, but not always I am guessing. One thing was for sure, when I was growing up I knew that despite the occasional spank on the butt, I was loved by both of my parents. Every night I hugged them and told them goodnight and that I loved them. They told me they loved me all of the time, they still do today and I am 39 years old. From a very young age I felt the need to always say "I love you" to the people that I loved. I got a lot of "eww… stop it!" from my little brother as we got older. But I felt it necessary to always tell those who I loved how much they meant to me as often as I could. Despite lots of fighting, and even some years here and there of not talking to my sister… we have always known that we love each other very much.

Now that I have a child of my own I tell her as often as I can that I love her. The end is never written in stone. It could be today, next year, or 50 years from now. Sure we all hope for 50 years from now, but for some the end could be sooner. So if you love a person, why hold it inside and keep it to yourself? Especially your own kids. If you had those kids, or even adopted them, they are a part of you and your entire life. To hold your love inside your own head and not express it daily with a simple "I love you" to them, that makes no sense to me at all.

I find this more in men than women, but on a rare occasion I will see a mom unable to express their love to their own child. Dad's seem to have a harder time as their children grow up. It is easier to open up to a 3 year old and say in a mushy voice, "I love you so much my sweet little bebe" But as they grow up, it becomes more of an emotional connection that you create with your child. A bond of having to dig deep inside of your soul and share a part of you that they are actually aware of and understand… the ability for a parent to fully share their emotions, it is hard for a lot of men. Some men choose to just do the whole "love tap" on the shoulder of their kids and hope that the child understands that is suppose to mean something more than a hit. Or to say, "love ya kid" once in a great while. They find less and less time to give hugs and to open up their heart to their own kids.

This breaks my heart right now as I write this, because I am seeing my own husband doing this to our daughter. He used to travel for work more than he does now. He would text her or call her as much as he could while away. He even set up a twitter account back in 2007 to talk to her while he was in Japan. He used to text things like, "I love you so much! I miss you!" and he would call to show her that he was thinking of her every night at bedtime and say goodnight and that he loved her. This past week he has been gone on a trip. Our daughter is now 15 years old and she is fully aware of love and what it means. I told him before he left to be sure to text her and make her feel loved while he was away. The first night we got into a disagreement because I had to force him to text her goodnight. All he said was "goodnight" to her when he finally did text her. There was no "I love you" or emotion of any kind. Just that simple phrase. The next day it was the same thing.

This upset me. It shouldn't, because he is his own person with his own feelings in this world. If he feels the need to start shutting down with sharing his love, that should be his choice. But I guess I want more for our daughter. I want her to feel loved by both of her parents. When you have the chance to say it to someone, then you say it. The whole week went by and he never once told her that he loved her, or even that he missed her. I asked her if it bothered her at all and she said, "I can not remember the last time he told me that he loved me." I had tears! I guess I was so worried about sharing my love with her, I never noticed that she wasn't getting any sharing of love from her father. He always seemed like that loving guy, so I assumed that he was getting the job done. I was mistaken. This was heard to take to be honest. I want so badly for him to be that lovable dad like you would see in an 80's sitcom. Not the horrible dad who used to work for the CIA or something in a disaster hate movie from the 90's or even current movies. Not that grumpy unapproachable dad… but I fear the older he gets and the older she gets, he is becoming that grumpy dad who can not show love to his own daughter.

Is it a male thing? Do fathers just find it harder to admit their feelings to their kids than the moms? Is there a point in time when a wife should say to her husband, "dude seriously, tell your kid that you love them! and mean it!" I mean, I see it in movies all of the time now where the dad can not express himself. So there must be some sort of universal truth in the way that men are in the world today. Lacking emotional connections to those who love them. Unable to express what should be an easy thing to feel for your own child… love!

I find it honest to tell my child how I feel about them. But I also wear my heart on my sleeve. I want her to never go to school, leave the house, get into a car to go off with friends, or even go to sleep at night without knowing that I love her deeply. Maybe it seems easier for me because she is a girl and I am a girl. However, I feel that if I had a son I would tell him just as often. I might not get the same response from him that I do from her, but I think I would tell him the same amount of times.

How often do you tell your kids that you love them? Is it harder the older they get or do you simply keep on doing it despite their age? Is it easier for the man or woman or neither of you to say it? I'm so curious why I see so many men shut down after their kids get to the age of like 10. Is there something to this theory of mine, or just a random fluke in the men that I know in this world?

What makes a stranger seem kinder at times?

I found out a few weeks ago that my mom has stage 4 cancer. It hit us all like a brick in the face. She was not sick, or losing weight, or having any issues medically. She thought she might have broken a rib, but with further testing they told her that she had cancer spots on her liver, lungs, stomach, and lower abdomen area where her ovaries used to be. They do not know what kind of cancer or where it started. She was in the hospital for a few weeks but is now at home trying to go through treatments each week. I live 1500 miles away. We travelled to see her over the 4th of July, and leaving her was extremely hard. Those friends closest to me were very kind and understanding of how hard it was for me to leave knowing how sick she was in the hospital.

Since finding out about her cancer, I have contacted many people to just make them aware of what is going on in my life. It is a stressful thing to go through. And I honestly have good days and bad days realizing that my mom could die sooner rather than later in my life. All of my female grandparents lived to be around 95 on my moms side of the family. They just are long life people. Which made me always just take for granted that my mom would be here for me forever pretty much.

I have noticed that despite my posting a few times with Facebook updates about my mom, and a few times saying how stressed out I am with dealing… there are many people who have yet to say a word to me. There are people that I was there for when they needed a friend, but they are nowhere to be found. And it's Facebook, you see them posting silly photos of their kids and stupid stuff every day. You know they are online and seeing things that you say. They "like" random photos that I post, but they will not "like" or comment on the things I say about my mom or my own feeling of it all.

Every single time I mention my mom being sick to a perfect stranger helping me buy something in a store or take care of something during my day… they are ALWAYS so nice and ask how she is doing and they even ask how I am doing with it all. Strangers. People who I do not know their name (unless on a name tag) and they do not know my name. They treat me with such a kindness and a sense of reaching out to say, "I'm so sorry that you are going through something, that is terrible!" Yet I still am waiting for people who know me to reach out in any way at all.

Maybe that is on me to think a person owes me a word of sympathy. Maybe I should not put too much thought into the fact that they are unable to say to me anything at all. I will still be there for them if needed. I will still reach out and want to make them feel comforted if they needed a friend. I am not tainted by their inability to reach out to me.

Yet I do find myself wondering why they are so quiet. Do they fear that they will need to say more than just a simple comment on Facebook, so do not even get it started? Perhaps they think I have enough people in my life that I will not notice them ignoring my pain and not reaching out?

Do you find it easier to tell a stranger comforting words than you do a friend - even a casual aquaintence?

A person without faith, can they truly understand how to forgive?

This is my first blog entry online in about 3 years. I used to blog every single day. I love to write, but had a bad experience a few years ago and deleted all of my blogs. So, today I am taking the plunge to write again. I can not guarantee that people will always agree with me, nor should they. But I do not plan to run away so easily this time. ;-)


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Recently I learned that someone very close to me doesn't really believe in God or an afterlife. This came as sort of a shock to me. I have known this person for 21 years. I have had a few conversations with them about their beliefs and things, but nothing too deep to ever really know what they thought. So when they came right out and answered a question from another person in the room, my mouth dropped a bit to hear them say they didn't really believe in anything at all. They think this life is their one life and so that is it for them. I do not judge their belief! I just have always thought that we were on the same page in our beliefs about God and the universe. This info did however slightly change something in me, how i viewed them (just a little bit) on how they act on one subject.

This person has never been able to forgive and move on from things. Maybe it is just who they are inside? They hold on and they grow angry and bitter. They seem to get more angry over time instead of less angry. I on the other hand love to forgive people a little too much. People can hurt me really deeply and after I have time to feel the anger and hurt over the action, I will forgive the person - even if they do not ask me for forgiveness. If a person comes right to me and tells me that they are sorry for what they have done, I am more likely to forgive them in an instant. This doesn't make me a better person than those who can not forgive, just different.

I have been thinking about the fact that this person has not forgiven me for something that I said. It was months ago, like 5 months ago, and they are still holding onto the anger. It wasn't even a horrible thing that I said to them. I accused them of something hypothetical. Not even a real thing. You know how you say to someone in a random conversation, "yeah I could see you doing that!" It wasn't even real, the situation we discussed, it was fictional, futuristic, none existent, and pure fantasy… but still I sit here after saying sorry more times than I should have, and I wait for their forgiveness.

This got me thinking about why I personally forgive people. I do it because of my faith in God and the universal belief that to be forgiven yourself, you must be able to forgive people. I believe that God forgives us for being human and understands that we make mistakes. It is how we were created I suppose. We live our life, we screw up, and those we harm along the way - we ask them for forgiveness. You either forgive them or you do not forgive based on the nature and depth of the action. I can understand a wife not forgiving her husband for cheating on her. I can understand a person not forgiving a person for killing a loved one, even if by accident. But I have never understood people who can not forgive words.

I love words. I live for them really. They sort of turn me on ;-) Kidding… just a little bit. I believe that the written word can give a person hope. Or it can tear a person down. It can make a grown man cry. It can turn a heart into loving a person. Or it can end a relationship. It can even change a life. Yet the spoken word is even more powerful with the inflections and speech patterns of the individual human speaking them. You can SHOUT... or you can whisper softly to a person. You can use your hands to caress a persons face, or to stick your finger in their face. The spoken word can be much harsher than the written word, so you should choose what you say carefully. A lesson I learn almost daily with my Irish temper!

Not everyone was born with the gift of "shut the hell up!" and so they have a problem with the spoken word. I am just one such person. When I speak myself into a corner, I can not shut up. I will talk and try to find my way back out, but at times when I keep talking I end up saying way more than I should have ever said. Sometimes it comes off as stupid, and so I look like an ass. Sometimes it comes off as harsh, and so I then look like a bitch. And other times… those rare times when I just can not find the off switch… I offend a person with my spoken word in the heat of a discussion or argument. I tend to need to be forgiven more often than not after a heated argument. My mouth works much faster than my brain!

This is the case I find myself in right now. I said something that hypothetically/futuristically attacked their character, and the person will not forgive me. They hold onto the anger, and resent that I could ever think they would do such a thing as I described of them in the talk. This make believe scenario talk from months ago. I can only apologize so much, so now I must wait to see if they cool off - or find a path to understanding what forgiveness is in life.

But this leads me back to the ever important topic in my mind today… Can a person who has no faith in God or faith in anything beyond themselves truly understand what forgiveness is in life? If you have no faith in anything then are you drawn to the same feelings of guilt and shame of the all mighty God? When I do wrong, I ask God for forgiveness. I ask the universe to forgive me. I seek out forgiveness from anyone who might have even been harmed in the crossfire. It makes me feel better knowing that the person knows that I am not perfect and that I am sorry for my action/words. Does a person who believes only in themselves and their life being all there is for them… do they understand that same feeling of needing to forgive a person? This question has been bugging me all day today.

What do you think? Is forgiveness a religious thing or just a people thing that makes us feel better?

Does keeping a secret make you a saint?

Better question, does telling someone's secret make you a bad person?

I have been holding onto a secret for the past few months. It's a HUGE secret that only a couple of people know. It is something personal and private about my life, so it has been easier to keep it to myself than if it were to be about someone else.

Yet the longer this secret goes on, the more people I allow myself to tell. I am allowing people into my private life. Sharing a piece of me and trusting them to not tell others about what is going on. This is actually really huge for me. I have major trust issues. I am often let down by the people who say they love me… including my own family.

I do not feel like my telling people about my own life is a bad thing. I feel like it is my right to tell whomever I want to about my private life. But my husband disagrees. He thinks that anything that involves us both should never be discussed with anyone, ever. This has been a bit of a back-and-forth for us the past few months. I told my own mother about something. He is very upset that I would tell her about something in our life. True my mom has a big mouth, but I feel that it is my right to talk to someone close to me if I am having a problem. Even if it involves my husband.

Does my talking to someone about something private, or a secret, make me a bad person?